As a knitter who reads quite a few knitting blogs (and really, all maker-blogs deal with this to a certain extent, but knitting blogs seem to be the worst, probably because of the whole slow, non-rush-able nature of the craft) I have noticed a certain phenomenon that occurs every year at Christmas which, you might expect even from my tone so far, drives me freaking insane. I see it start in November. It gets worse and more ridiculous as December rolls in. About a week before the actual holiday it reaches it’s apex — or really, I should say, it’s nadir.  Yep, it’s the goddamn Christmas gift-list.

It’s not even the ridiculously long lists themselves that get me. Really, it’s the endless complaining about it. Dudes, if it drives you crazy; compromises your mental health; keeps you from enjoying the holiday; makes you pull an all-nighter on Christmas Eve when your name isn’t mentioned anywhere in the song Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer– DON’T FREAKING DO IT.

You are not an elf. Making yourself miserable in order to give a person an item — even a lovely handmade item — is, IM(ever-so-slightly)HO, still consumerist. You do not need an item to demonstrate your love. Someone who really loves you would surely rather you not be stressed to the breaking point at the most wonderful time of the dang year than that you cram in an ill-planned gift for them, along with the eight pairs of socks, two hats, and EFFING sweater you somehow thought you might finish in the 18 remaining days before the bomb drops on X-Day.

And that’s another thing: To the people knitting eight pairs of socks or some other crazy nonsense, you are NOT “sock-close” with eight people. If you are, you’re probably not really and you ought to focus on the depth of your supposed friendships.

Okay, if you are counting Nanas and Pawpaws and whathaveyous, then maybe you could get to eight, but dang people — socks are good year round. There are birthdays. There are un-birthdays. You shouldn’t really  give that many socks in a whole year, never mind blowing your wad on one little holiday. Socks are the big guns, people. They should be reserved for the people who gave your parents, you or your children life and really close, life-long friends who can’t knit for serious, legitimate reasons (like carpal tunnel or previous amputations).

Remember — you are a person, not one of Santa’s elves. As such, you are supposed to enjoy the holiday. It’s kind of hard to drink nog, be jolly, and generally loaf about and enjoy the bounty if you’re frantically knitting two socks at once while you desperately parse the intricate cable chart for the sweater you were suppose to start yesterday and, all the while, internally hand-wring over how you’re going to fit in the three pairs of mittens you just have to knit for the long-lost second cousins you just found out would be coming to Aunt Sally’s X-mas bunch.Yeesh.

If this sounds familar, seriously, put down the knitting. Or the recipe. Or the glue gun. Or whatever. Just put. it. down. and take a tip  that I picked up from my perpetually broke Uncle Trim: give cheap useful shit.

Good for everything, especially Christmas!

Think Duck tape, batteries, packs of decent-ish pens, playing cards, super glue, etc… I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone, “Do we have any *blank* in the house,” and damned if I hadn’t just gotten some of whatever it was from Uncle Trim. You can pull the same stunt with kids, just remember that here “useful”  is relative: crayons, markers, colored pencils, a good coloring book, a tub or two of weird colored Play-Doh (Seb thought I was the Second Coming for a $1 worth of black), jacks, jump ropes, or marbles are good bets.

Everyone likes candy… get someone a full-sized box of their favorite candy. And it doesn’t *have* to be homemade — actually, in this case it’s often better that it’s not. When people have a special treat that they love, it’s often very specific. If someone tried to give you homemade Reece’s Pieces or Reece’s Cups, for example, well, that would clearly be FAIL. The whole point is that they taste like bizarro-world peanut sugar… delicious, delicious bizarro-world peanut-sugar.

If it’s going to be homemade, feel free to be choosy on who you spend the effort on. For example, my best friend once made me Fleur de Sel Caramels; this was entirely worth it. Not only are caramels my favorite, salty caramels are my super duper all-time favorite, not to mention that I like foodie stuff and I appreciate handmade items. It totally goes on my list of awesomest presents ever and every once and a while I still wax poetic about them. However, when I mentioned this super thoughtful gift to my mom,  I’m pretty sure she said something along the lines of, “Why the hell would you *make* caramels?”  Aaannnnddd…

Mom gets a box of Turtles from Target.

This is how it should be. Handmade is only thoughtful if the recipient appreciates handmade. People you aren’t really very close to — and even many you are (*cough*mom*cough*) –aren’t going to feel offended that you didn’t handmake them commemorative fair-isle mittens or an expertly curated selection of holiday cookies from around the world. Chances are they’d also rather not feel obligated to prove anything via material objects and would, probably just like yourself,  simply like to enjoy your company in a festive atmosphere. If you really must get them something, I swear — everyone could use some Duck tape. EVERYONE.